Safaricom has taken its position for granted. I have spent two days unable to access the net because apparently I am capped since I have exceeded the 4.5/6 (1.5 x 4)??? GB monthly quota off my *unlimited* package. While I understand that Safaricom and its team does not have a choice since they cannot afford to offer the service, I have written a guide on how to beat the Safaricom Cap once and for all, and still retain the same speeds. Its actually an easy process and works for everyone. The only difference is in if you have a modem or if you have a phone/touchpad which you tether wirelessly or via a USB cable. I have the latter so thats the guide I know. Based on a true story. Thank you @NonieMG for the guest slot.
1. You call Safaricom help service (100 on prepaid, 200 on postpaid). You hear the IVR reminding you of how you can access their help desk and remind you that you they may ask you to judge the person helping you. You realize that you have never been asked to judge anyone yet you have to call every 3 days to get something fixed. You get suspicious, but you ignore it. You have bigger things on your hands to worry about.
2. You *calmly* explain to the operator that your speeds are slow (in my case, I have not been able to access full service for almost a week, meaning I am a week behind work). You answer questions about where you live and you both troubleshoot the computer. Operator tells you that your computer has a virus slowing down your connection. You tell the operator that the computer does not have a virus. You argue. She argues. You argue some more. She insists that you complete the process of troubleshooting the fault. You relent, and pretend to scan your computer for a virus. You are tired of explaining to her that it is *NOT* a Windows computer, and the possibility of having a virus are pretty remote. She realizes that you are not buying that one. You proceed to the next step.
3. The operator writes down your issue. The operator then advices you that another more technically clever operator will call you back in 24h. You realize you have passed the first check of not being disqualified as riff raff.
4. You kiss your pet/bf/gf/wife/husband/clande/gecko/ass goodnight. You go to sleep.
5. You wake up.
6. You eat breakfast.
7. You sit on your throne (if you are a morning person).
8. You take a shower.
9. You go to work.
10. You get rained on, as you walk into your work place (if operating in rainy weather).
11. You get called by a Safaricom operator (a cleverer one than the one you spoke to) who tells you that the problem is resolved. They advice you that they will call you back in a few minutes to confirm that the service is working. You ask them why they called, they tell you they wanted to find out the story, which results in you repeating the whole story again. 2nd time.
12. You dry your hair/weave/head/hair piece/wig.
13. You have a cup of coffee/brandy/tea/gin/milo/vodka/twinnings (depends on where you are in the company’s food chain) while booting your computer.
14. *Steps May Vary* You tether your modem/phone/touch pad/other device to the said computer.
15. You try the connection, it still does not work, or it is crawling. You curse. Lightning strikes. You shudder. God is watching.
16. Safaricom technical help desk calls you back, you advise them that the problem is not solved, and if anything, it is much worse. The operator advises you that he will call you back in 10 minutes, as he has to refer to their data team to find out what happened. You remind the operator that he is part of the data team. He laughs and agrees, but he has to talk to someone more clever. You ask if he should check Wikipedia, he calmly tells you that things are not that serious yet, so you need to relax.
17. The Operator writes in the system that you are happy with the service and proceeds not to call you back. You wait, forget, eat lunch, sit on the throne (if you are an afternoon person), finish work, sign papers, beer o’clock, get home and service is still rubbish. You call the help desk, you are tipsy/drunk/randy/lonely/hungry/broke, who advice you that first there is no open ticket bearing your issue. You read the ticket ID. They still can’t find it. You raise your voice and ask for a supervisor. Miraculously, the ticket appears, and you soon learn that your ticket was resolved and you were quite happy with the service, and the speeds are back to normal, and that afterwards, the technical operator said you commended them on a job well done.
18. You curse again, no lightning, you curse some more, you realize God might be attending T-100 at Psyz in Westlands, with my girl Denise, which makes you continue cursing, words like bull and excrement feature prominently in this conversation, the supervisor apologizes profusely and advices you that it will be looked at first thing in the morning.
19. You wake up. *Day 2: Repeat Step 5 – 10.*
20. You call the Safaricom operator, request to speak to a supervisor, you are seething mad, you don’t care if God is striking folks, you are insanely mad anyway. The operator requests you tell her the problem. You repeat the problem again. This will be the 4th time. You repeat word for word where you live, the colour of your computer and the Apostle’s creed, over and over again. You tell the operator that you think she is sweet, and you are pissed, so unless she wants to hear how cows fornicate, she best call the supervisor. Calmly, you tell the supervisor of the issue. Supervisor then makes you repeat the entire story again. She takes the notes and promises to call you back in 15 minutes. That is the 5rd time you have told that story.
21. You go for lunch.
22. You sit on your throne (assuming you are an afternoon person).
23. You work, you finish, you realize the supervisor has not returned your call. 6 hours later.
24. You are pissed, you call the help-desk again, the IVR reminds you of just how you can access the help service and that they may ask you to judge their operators or supervisors. The operator answers, you demand for a supervisor and tell her that if she bothers to ask you to repeat the story again, you will curse at her and make her cry and that you are Mungiki/Gema/Kamjesh/Forty Brothers. Frightened, she calls the supervisor. The supervisor promises to call you back in 15 minutes.
25. The Supervisor calls you back in a record 12 minutes. You repeat the story again. 6th time. You get mad and ask supervisor to write the story once on a piece of paper, with a Bic pen made by DJ CK, not the Chinese ones, since you are patriotic, and make photocopies and distribute them as a memo among the staff, that way, you don’t have to repeat the story again, since they don’t use their customer services tool. You feel bad because you realize that by the time this issue gets resolved, the entire Karura forest will have given its life in paper.
26. The supervisor promises to investigate and get back to you. You tell the supervisor not to bother since you know very well she is lying to you. The supervisor surprises you and calls you back, you suspect she is a believer, in which case you knows if she lies, she will end up doing call centre service in Safaricom Gehenna. She knows this too. The supervisor tells you that your line is capped because you exceeded the monthly 4.5 GB allocated per month. You remind her that her CEO went to great lengths and wore his spectacles and said it was 1.5 GB per week. The supervisor flips her weave upwards. You realize she is single, otherwise, she would have been MAWE compliant. You hear it rustle and whip a fly over the phone. She means business. She then calmly tells you that he (The CEO) doesn’t know what he is talking about and the allocated is 4.5 GB per month. After which you get capped to 128 KB Per Second (translates to 10). She also tells you that she suspects he too does not understand the market either, and that Unlimited Internet was a horrible product from Day 1 but they had to keep with the times. She tells you she wishes that the greatest Kenyan to walk Kenya, her former boss, MJ, would come back to work again. You both laugh. You out of frustration, her cause she is scared excrement-less that it might actually be her who does not know what she is talking about and that she just bad mouthed her boss, and the call was recorded.
27. You tell the supervisor that if the connection was capped, the service would be slow but you would be able to use it somewhat, but in this case, it takes you 15 minutes to open a page. Supervisor agrees that it should work, and advises she will call you back in an hour after getting the problem resolved.
28. You sigh. *sigh*. You realize you have been played. The supervisor calls you back, advises you that they are looking at this issues on a case by case basis and it may take a while before its your turn to get dealt with. You shout but you are tired, so you write a blog post, somewhat amused and relieved that at least you are not the only one.
29. *Steps may vary*. You walk out of your office/house/bar/throne room, you buy an Orange Simcard/Orange Simcard + Modem. You insert sim card in your connecting device. You load airtime, you realize it is a bit cheaper than Safaricom. You buy an unlimited package. You wait 15 minutes. You switch/disconnect the device. You remove the sim card. You wait for 20 seconds. You switch the device back on. You realize you are back to where you should have been in the first place. You smile.
30. The Safaricom supervisor calls. You ignore call. You sit on the throne. Before you void the throne. *Steps May Vary* you throw in your old sim card/sim card + modem, then depress the lever and feel relieved.
You realize, its never that serious.
Yolo bishes, I’m back for a minute.